Ryan’s Story

“I thought I was doing the right things. I thought I was checking the box. But I was never really opening up. I don’t think I realized that until I hit rock bottom.”

BIO:

Ryan Mains, 40, lives in Huntley, Illinois with his wife Danielle and two kids, Jude (9) and Lucy (5). He was a Firefighter/Paramedic with Woodstock Fire Rescue District for 14 years from 2005 to 2019, before leaving the job after his severe PTSD rendered him unable to continue serving his community. Before joining WFRD, Mains served as a combat medic for one tour with the 3rd Infantry Division in the initial invasion of Iraq after graduating from Burlington High School.

IT WASN’T AN EMERGENCY, UNTIL IT WAS:

Ryan was diagnosed with PTSD in 2016, 11 years into his career as a firefighter/paramedic with the Woodstock Fire Rescue District in Woodstock, Illinois. He had seen the WFRD EAP counselor for years but never really opened up. In April of 2019, he could no longer cope with the intrusive thoughts, anxiety of the tones sounding with another trauma and he started calling in sick to his shifts at the station. Ryan went from an involved member of WFRD with accommodations, serving as IAFF Local 4813 vice president, on the county’s SWAT response team as a medic and head of the fitness committee; to not being able to get out of bed in a matter of a few years.

His wife Danielle, sensing something wasn’t right after the third shift he’d called in sick from, called Illinois Firefighter Peer Support as she was driving to work an hour away. A retired firefighter and peer supporter named Jack Berry called her back and she told him what was happening with Ryan. Jack called Ryan and kept him on the phone until she could get home and Illinois Firefighter Peer Support provided both of them with resources of what to do and where to go for additional help. Ryan was on a plane two days later headed for the International Association of Fire Fighters Center of Excellence for Behavioral Health Treatment and Recovery in Upper Marlboro, Maryland. Ryan was at the Center for 32 days where he was exposed to a number of different therapies with other firefighters and paramedics from across the nation. Ryan was medicated for the first time while at the Center to help with his insomnia and anxiety. His counselor met with him daily and he had weekly counseling sessions with wife Danielle over the phone, it was during his first session when he admitted to feeling like a burden and having suicidal ideations before leaving for the Center.

When he returned from the center in May of 2019, he was looking forward to returning to work and being back with his crew. During his week of light duty, he visited every station and shift to talk to everyone about the IAFF Center of Excellence and the course of events that lead him there. He started talking about a way to raise money for Illinois Firefighter Peer Support since they saved his life that day. Since long distance running was a way he coped with his mental health struggles, Run For Our Lives was born. Ryan brought together a board of volunteers to start planning the fundraiser and started developing a platform to speak about first responder mental health to help others during his own struggles.

After he fully returned to working on the ambulance however, there were multiple fatalities, DOAs and full arrests among family, calls strung in a row. Five months after returning from the Center, despite continuing counseling sessions, he suffered a mental breakdown and was deemed unfit to serve. Later that month in October of 2019, he began an intensive outpatient counseling program at AMITA Health Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital in Hoffman Estates. He attended the program 40 hours a week from October to January, working on intense exposure therapy in which he repeated traumas over and over with many counselors. He worked on decreasing his startle response and hypervigilance by sitting with his back to the door while people entered loudly or by sitting in hallways with a blindfold on and a sign asking people to clap as they walked by.

Being able to not return to the job he was born for was the most difficult. Feelings of shame and guilt echoed loudly while he awaited the work comp process and still awaits the disability pension process more than a year later.

RUN FOR OUR LIVES:

On May 30, 2020 he set from the Woodstock Square out to achieve the unimaginable, the run he had trained countless hours for, to run 130k in memory of the 130 firefighters nationwide who died by suicide in 2019 while raising money for the organization that saved his life. The virtual race, which started two months before the COVID-19 pandemic, gave 130 runners from across the nation four months to run 130k while they received coaching from Ryan during the last part of his training. Smith Physical Training in Crystal Lake, Illinois, undertook the virtual run logistics before virtual runs were even cool. Ryan ran his 130k Run For Our Lives along the Fox River Bike Trail from Woodstock to Geneva and back with the help of pacers, mapped aid stations, so many volunteers and fire departments who cheered him along his way. When he returned back to the Woodstock Square 21.5 hours later, into the community he served for 14 years, Mayor Brian Sager presented Ryan with a key to the City of Woodstock. Ryan presented the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Executive Director Tom Howard with a check for just over $18,000 for the ILFFPS organization. Run For Our Lives has now donated over $20k with even more donations coming after Ryan’s solo run.

Ryan hopes to make Run For Our Lives an annual event in May and keep the conversation about first responder mental health going year-round. He is currently goes to counseling twice a month and IV-Drip ketamine therapy with Chicago IV Solutions in Downtown Chicago every three weeks. He is also now training with his service dog Montana from True Blue Dogs to give him the confidence he needs to rejoin public spaces to continue his public speaking on his grapples with PTSD to help other first responders.